Monday, October 14, 2013

Ugly and Perfect

I'm going to start this blog post with something I wrote to a friend after she emailed me to ask about how I'm recovering from last week's surgery:

"I'm loving this little/no boobies thing! It's ugly (stitches and symmetry-wise), but it's perfect for me. I've been so sick of my boobs and worrying about them that it's a relief to have them GONE. And my body is now so used to being cut and stitched, that I've barely had to slow down this week. I hope I don't sound fake-chipper, like everything's great but it's really not. I am truly just plain old thrilled to get on with my life."

I actually don't even think that paragraph fully describes how tremendously wonderful I'm feeling about my decision. Why did I ever go for reconstruction in the first place? Actually, I do know the answer to that. I wanted the doctors to make my cancer go away immediately, so when they told me what is usually done, I simply said, "Do it." Most women want reconstruction, so the doctors told me it would be easier to do it up front. Now, a year-and-a-half later, I've had time to think about who I really am. The real Shari never needed fake boobs in the first place. I'm SO happy to have them gone.

HOWEVER, something I left out in my emotional posts trying to accept my cosmetic/corrective surgery last week was a description of the reality of what I would look like after my reconstruction was reversed. Paul and I were quite aware of how flat I'd be, but since that doesn't matter to us, I didn't even think of describing it here. Now that it's done, I want to prepare you for the pictures you know I'm going to share.

I'll begin by linking you to another non-reconstructed woman. During the summer of 2012, that bummer summer when I was enduring biweekly chemo treatments, I read a few stories about Jodi Jaecks, a woman in Seattle who wanted to swim topless after undergoing a bilateral mastectomy. She did eventually win the right to do so, and not surprisingly, she was willing to be pictured in a local paper without her breasts. She's really skinny, so I knew I wouldn't look quite like her, but it gave me a starting point as to how to picture myself.

For reference, here's a shot of me that shows the boobs before the best breast cancer ever. Note, this was before I started taking naked pictures of my breasts. And the hunchy posture was because I was talking to 2-year-old Reese in the chair next to me. But it gives a good view of the 36Ds while they were still growing the breast cancer.


Now here's the after picture, a bit blurry due to 4-year-old Reese's photography skills. I've been reading from other flat post-mastectomy bloggers that the most common comment I can expect is about having lost weight. In truth, I'm almost exactly the same weight in both pictures, but in better shape now.


 Before I show the nakey picture, I want to tell my closing story, so people who don't want to look can just click away after the punchline. As you can see, I have a little tube coming out of the bottom of my shirt leading into the black fanny pack. That is a drainage tube, and in the fanny pack is a little bulb that holds the blood and fluid that drains out of my body. The other day I had this conversation with Paul:

Me - "As much as I loathe having this drain and I'm counting the minutes until it comes out, I'll actually miss having a fanny pack. It's such a perfect size to carry wallet, keys, phone and pen without having to bring a purse."

Paul - "You know, honey, you don't have to have a drain in to wear a fanny pack."

Newly boobless me - "Yeah, but that would look weird."

(That was the punchline, so people who don't want to see my boobs, please click away now.)

Here's ugly but perfect me!


4 comments:

  1. Not ugly. Brave and perfect. xoxo

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing and congratulations on being happy with your decision!

    After a left mastectomy in June, I have finally realized I'm not happy with lopsided. I've also realized I have choices: Two new ones; 1 1/2 new ones or none.

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  3. Hi Shari, I had a right mastectomy this May. I chose to go the uniboob route myself (and soo glad I did). But enough about me. I just found your blog yesterday and must say I really couldn't stop reading. And today when I dragged home from work, you guessed it, I tuned in to see how everything went :). Your attitude and sense of humor, and outlook on life are so inspiring. And I think you are beautiful and wise and have your priorities straight. I think it is funny that so many women with mastectomies post pics online I guess because whether they are fake or gone they just don't feel like anything to hide. Sorry so long. You go girl!

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  4. Thank you Shari,

    From a male point a view... you have a gorgeous smile.

    I just found your blog and I'll be reading your entire posts now. My wife had her mastectomy done at the end of November and we are so glad with this decision.

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